Could This Relationship Work? 10 Love Compatibility Questions for Couples

Whether you’re crushing on someone, or you have been in a relationship for a significant amount of time questions of compatibility are bound to arise. And while there are plenty of great compatibility tests out there, ones that compare your zodiac signs, Myers-Briggs types and enneagram numbers - there are also more concrete ways to evaluate your compatibility to another person. Compatibility is about how you connect to another person in physical, financial, social and philosophical ways. For these reasons, compatibility plays a huge part in your long-term relationship to another person.

Here are ten important things to consider when comparing your compatibility and assessing the strength of your long term relationship:

Chemistry

Even if you and your partner seem like a good fit on paper, it’s important to take into account your actual chemistry with one another. Romantic chemistry is a kind of effortless attraction to another person that can be due to a physical, emotional or even intellectual connection. Romantic chemistry is often clichely described as “sparks flying”, but most of the time chemistry is a bit more understated than this (though some people swear that sparks do fly). Good chemistry can also just boil down to a good gut feeling about a person.

While it can be hard to reason through whether or not you and your partner have good chemistry, (it is a feeling after all), asking things like, ‘does your partner put you at ease?’ and, ‘do you feel like you can be your authentic self with your partner?’ can help you determine your chemistry. Chemistry is also about a general attraction to your partner, a need to be with them or around them. Contemplating these questions and evaluating how you generally feel about your partner will help you understand if you have the chemistry to make in the long haul.

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Complimentary Ambitions

Another thing to consider when determining the compatibility of your relationship is how similar your ambitions and goals for the future are. You never want to feel as if you are holding your partner back from something, or as if they are holding you back. Talking about your long term plans early on in the relationship can help you better understand whether or not you have complimentary ambitions. Even if one of you is a striver and the other is less about changing the status quo, it is still possible to be compatible if you are willing to support each other’s hopes and dreams. Finding compatibility between your ambitions might require one of you to push the other more. Alternatively, it could mean learning to accept and support your partner’s ambitions, even if they are different from what your ambitions are for them. Compatibility is all about give or take, even when it comes to your future plans.

Debt

Financial compatibility is also an important part of any long-term relationship. While it’s not necessary to have the same amount of money or wealth when entering a relationship, it is important that you and your partner are on the same page about spending patterns and financial risk. If partners do not see eye to eye on spending and saving, finances can be a huge source of stress in the relationship. And research shows that financial stress is often a leading factor in why couples break up. Financial compatibility also includes a discussion about how much debt you will carry into the relationship. Debt is (unfortunately) very common for a lot of people, and while it’s totally not a deal breaker, it is important to disclose your debt situation, and what created the debt in an honest and transparent way. Afterall, student loan debt is a lot different than credit card debt due to bad financial planning.

Conflict Resolution

Are you and your partner able to fight effectively? Let’s face it, all relationships will have conflicts. But the sign of a compatible relationship, is a relationship in which conflicts stem growth. Learning to manage conflict requires communication, compromise, forgiveness, and an understanding that somethings need to be let go of for the sake of a happy, long term relationship. Conflict resolution can often boil down to how willing you and your partner are to do the work to make the relationship work. If you find that you are always fighting about the same things, or that your fights never seem to go anywhere, ask yourself if you are willing to do what is necessary to make the relationship work. Or whether you are purposely sabotaging things because you want a way out. There are many different conflict management styles that are compatible to varying degrees. Regardless of what your style is, committing to working through conflict with your partner demonstrates compatibility.

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Compatible Love Languages

Love languages are the newest relationship philosophy fad that can be used to test your compatibility with your partner. There are five different love languages that explain how all people express and experience love,including, words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. While not all of these are verbal languages, they do communicate love and support to your partner. Most people are a combination of the languages, with a clear preference for one or two. It’s important to understand both your love language and your partner’s love language so that you are able to support and love each other in the preferred way. Even if your love languages don’t naturally line up, let’s say that you love giving gifts, but your partner prefers quality time, you can tailor your actions (perhaps gift a date night to your partner, or a couples massage, or some other experiential gift that you can do together) so that they feel loved by you.

Physical Chemistry

At the end of the day, it’s essential that you and your partner have physical chemistry. During rough patches in your relationship and even just generally stressful times, having a strong physical attraction to one another can help keep your relationship strong. Sometimes physical chemistry is just something that you have or do not have in a relationship, but there are ways to increase physical chemistry if you feel that it is lacking. Focusing on cultivating intimacy, be it emotional or physical intimacy, can help you feel a stronger physical connection to your partner.

Good Communication

We've said it before and we will say it again, good communication is key in any healthy, long-term communication. You and your partner could be the most “compatible” couple out there, but if you aren’t able to communicate effectively, or if your communication styles don’t match up, you likely will not last for very long as a couple. Ensuring that you have compatible communication styles is essential, and if your styles aren’t innately compatible, it’s important to work towards compatibility through communication exercises and check-ins.

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Philosophical Compatibility

In a relationship, philosophy means a lot of different things. Whether it’s your outlook on life (your optimism, pessimism, ambivalence), your view on relationships (monogamy vs. polyamory) or even your political views, it’s important that your general philosophies are compatible. The old adage that opposites attract can often hold true when it comes to compatibility, but oftentimes relationships are more successful when you and your partner are on the same page about specific philosophies. Take the example of monogamy. If your partner does not believe that monogamy is possible, and you do, the relationship is NOT going to work in the long term because of your different philosophies. Because philosophies and our greater views of the world are often not up for negotiation, philosophical compatibility (or rather, the lack thereof) can be a make or break for many relationships.

Sociability

While some people argue that your relationship to your partner is the most important in your life, it’s important that you both maintain healthy relationships with other people such as friends and family members. Maintaining these relationships requires a certain degree of sociability, and it’s important that you and your partner are open to a similar amount of socializing. If there is a major disconnect between you and your partner about how much socialization you can tolerate/look forward to, it could create problems for your relationship.

Deal Breakers

Sometimes there are things that are just an absolute deal breaker in any relationship. No matter how compatible you are as a couple, things will be untenable if certain things are present in the relationship. Dealbreakers can relate to any of the above compatibility questions. Does one partner want kids, while the other could not be less interested? Are you on different pages about your life goals and ambitions? Do their spending habits give you frequent nightmares? Taking some time to consider what your deal breakers are will help you navigate your relationship in the long term. It can be hard to know what your deal breakers are from the outset, sometimes it takes discovering a deep seeded incompatibility to realize what is actually a deal breaker for you. But being aware of the ‘musts’ in your relationship will help you and your relationship in the long run.

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